I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
