apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dicks are not precious.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
