Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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