I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
