I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
