I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
