i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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