I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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