Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
