did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i need an iv and a liver transplant
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
