Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
