He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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