my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm bleeding and have questions
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
