If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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