I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
