just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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