Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
