We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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