you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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