I wanna bring you to show and tell
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
