I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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