My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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