Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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