Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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