Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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