I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I still have a little drunk in my system
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
