I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
