Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
