I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
