I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
