she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
