someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
