I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
