Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
