I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
