my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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