in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
