I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
