I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
