You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
