I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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