good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have feelings that need drinking.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
