tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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