Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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