Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
