how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
