he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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