I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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