i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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