I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
