i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
