i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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