Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
