Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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