The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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