He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
