Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
