Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
