TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
