I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Randomize
