My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
40s are totally the cure
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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